We will adapt.

TRIGGER WARNING.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” Fredrick, Nietzsche.

What are intrusive thoughts? This is going to be an ongoing discussion, friends. These are not like our normal thoughts but everybody has them. Intrusive thoughts can pop into our heads without warning at any time. We can be awake. We can be asleep. We can be having the time of our lives or we could be in deep depression. It doesn’t matter. They’ll plant their twisted lies whenever they choose to. Often the same thought, or obsessions will pop up again and again and again, and we will be so disturbed we feel intense physical urges and compulsions to make the thoughts stop. These unwelcome thoughts can be in the form of images, sounds, or statements, such as, “I murdered my marriage.”

Very little awareness exists surrounding the issue of what is also known as postpartum OCD. It comes on rapidly after childbirth, and sometimes right before, feeding women the worst thoughts, renewing old curses, and bringing on terrifying urges.

Let’s get real for a second:

I got my first period days after I turned nine years old. Back then it was very early and frankly I was never the same. I suddenly knew what anxiety was. Fear, delusions and paranoia haunted my steps. Everything felt so out of control. I was afraid of everything and everyone. BUT on the fateful day that I saw princess Leia in her scandalous gold bikini, I felt a rush of relief.

Intrusive thought number one: “I just have to look like her.” If I could make myself look like her, I’d be taking control of me; my body; SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE POWER OVER. I set my snack bowl aside. There wouldnt be many snacks from then on.

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March 21st, 2023: I still struggle with healthy eating habits and protecting my body to this day. There’s no such thing as a recovered anorexic or bulimic. When things were good and felt under control, I avoided triggers and wouldn’t let myself even say the word “diet”. I didn’t have the urges. For many years, I was in remission until I woke up one morning, eight and a half months pregnant, in 2006.

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Her green eyes popped open with a start, and she laid there afraid to move. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was an earth goddess doing the world a favor. (You are most welcome.) The favor of blessing it with a new life. She was not concerned with her appearance. In fact, she was quite enamored by it. Yet, she had just dreamed, no, SEEN and FELT herself purging violently and the urge to do it was so strong it was all she could see when she blinked. She knew that if she moved, she would do anything to make herself vomit repeatedly, even if it meant poisoning herself.

She knew too well what the urges were like, what she had done to herself due to her struggle with eating disorders. She knew how powerful and impossible it was to resist the thoughts. There would be no relief and she would think of nothing else until she let her demons win.

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It was only 2pm and her shift didn’t end till 4pm, but like a puppet on a string Chelsea stood up from her desk and left work without a word. She walked all the way home, went into the kitchen and grabbed the salt shaker. She’d seen this in a movie once. You can induce vomiting by poisoning yourself with salt and she was blind and could only see the movie reel of her harming herself. Her blood rushed with adrenaline.

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Why? I wasnt worried about weight! Resistance was futile at that point. My grandfather was in his final hours. My dad, my rock, was struggling in a way that I had never seen before. I kept having sudden intense breakdowns. Maybe something wasn’t right…But don’t worry. I was a goddess remember? Me and my beautiful baby were going to shine like gold and bring peace to this troubled earth.

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I had fallen prey to my first manic episode before Isaac was even born; and I realized I had been manic before I even got pregnant….I thought God Himself told me to do it….at least thats how I remembered it. Hind sight is 20/20. So much was yet to be revealed, and the intrusive thoughts would only turn into horror movies once the baby was born. We will visit them again and again. For now, I just want to leave you with some names:

John, Paul, Luke, Mary, Noah and Andrea Yates.