So, I’ve been thinking a lot about my next blog entry. There’s so much ugly stuff to talk about in the following two years that I don’t think I will cover all of it. I dont think I can. Not just because there’s family stuff, there’s extended family stuff… There’s a lot of really angry stuff, and I don’t want to spread that cancer. I want to be considerate despite the fact that I’d like to spell it all out as if I was a journalist. We are all a tight nit family. I want to be considerate of everyone’s feelings.
So let’s step back in time for a moment. There I was, back in that hole, reaching out for help. I had never been so angry in my life as “they” passed me by, my family, my friends, my pastor, people that could have helped me, I was livid. What was wrong with them? Didn’t they know that something was very wrong? I was gonna die. I was abusing my meds and alcohol and have complete blanks from that time in my life. Unfortunately I don’t even have a memory of my sister’s wedding and reception despite being in them.
But I am gonna talk about anger a little…
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in my life is that we are definitely not mind readers, but we are really good actors, and my husband is King. We can be a good actors perhaps even when we don’t want to be. My husband didn’t know what to say. So I found out ten years later that he had told no one. He hadn’t told my parents, he hadn’t told his parents or siblings. He hadn’t told our pastor. Our pastor would’ve told the church, and I would be flooded with help, and blanketed in prayer.
Some people don’t believe that prayer has any power. But I do. It’s not a quarter machine were you put in your money and out your trinket comes. Instead it is a relationship with God that will always make you stronger and keep the armor of his Holy Spirit wrapped around your body.
Instead I was tormented.
Now let me make this clear. In no way do I connect spirituality with mental health. (except in very rare cases) I wasn’t bipolar because of sin. I didn’t have psychosis because of some screwup. It was what it was and God let it happen so that I could be his tool. But boy was I angry at Him. I felt like he was up on his throne just watching me, waiting for what would happen next and seeing how I would handle it. It became a bad marriage and we stopped talking. I stopped praying. It had gotten me here…LONELY. Bipolar is unfortunately the result of raging hormones, birth trauma, ongoing depression and untreated severe mental illnesses.
My anger sticks to me like nettles stick to hair. They get entangled, unmanageable, incredibly painful and impossible to remove without intensive help It’s interesting to think about, because 17 years later not much has changed, and they have stayed there! No matter what color my hair is, the nettles are still there. Hundreds of them. And I need some help to remove them.
My rage eventually had nothing to do with my severe postpartum illness. No. I haven’t been able to forgive my husband for the way he treated me during the scariest time in my life….and the nettles are tangled and I am still unable to let it go.
Anger never solves any problem or worry, or marriage. Instead, it makes us more bitter. It starts taking over our other emotions like a cancer and eventually leads to death.
One my favorite quotes is actually from the song, “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd:
How I wish
How I wish you were here…
We’re just two lost souls,
Swimming in a fishbowl
Yeah after year.
Running over the same old ground
But have we found
The same old fears?
Wish you were here.
Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here.
I’ve realized:
It’s my anger and unforgiveness and swimming around in circles that has kept me ill for the last 17 years. I’ve been running over “the same ‘ol ground” trying to find happiness and I haven’t been taking all this medication to control my bipolar disorder, I’ve been taking this medications to control my RAGE. I wasn’t cared for properly by the psychiatrists , and they kept throwing new and old meds at me. Those particular medications have harmed my body so severely that I’ve fallen four times this last week and struggle to walk and type.
I’m quirky. My legs move all the time. I don’t tell them to. Sometimes I struggle to put toothpaste on a toothbrush… but while that sucks I did it to myself.
I LIED. DON’T LIE.
Lithium saved my life . It’ll save you after having your baby and you can’t see forward.
BUT it’s a short term med.
Most women are treated with it and another powerful yet life saver for about three months and when you’re better and if you DON’T LIE, they’ll let you go home!
There is no medicine more tried and true than lithium. I didn’t know it was a short term drug, but thirteen years later when I and my multiple movement disorders, found I had stage 3 Chronic kidney disease. My Dr’s were like, “…maybe we should have taken her off it 12 years ago….”
Smells like a law suit.
But it’s not the wiggly knees or shaking hands that really made me mad. The nettles are still in my hair…and they’ve been there for 17 years.
I’ll chop it all off if that’s what it takes. I just want to heal.
Don’t let anyone marginalize what you went/go through or label you or shame you for your struggle. We are Amazon warriors, some of us are still fighting. If you need to talk about it; talk about it. SHARE YOUR STORY. It is part of your purpose, no matter the response. And that purpose is why you’re STILL HERE!”
I was in counseling with one of the best Psychologist in Virginia for ELEVEN years and I didn’t get any where because all I did was talk about how angry I was. “Why was I chosen?” A lot of “woe is me”.
And damn it I’ve earned that!
But…while I may have earned a “woe is me” or two during the last 17 years or so there are those who’s stories will be much more difficult.
I should be ashamed of myself.
If this Blog has helped you in any way, please let me know.
So that we can be free.
We will adapt. 