I want to preface this by telling you that I dictate my writing because of my movement disorder. Unfortunately, dictation is not always reliable and I know there are typos and other grammatical errors. Please excuse me.
My son turns 18 this year, in just a few months really.
I made it.
This is by no means the end of my blog, however, I do feel the need to put it on hold which is why there haven’t been any new entries for some time.
In my last entry I talked about the nettles in my hair. The anger and bitterness that I struggle with. I talked freely about my anger towards my husband. Without names involved, he and I have separated and are tragically headed for divorce. This process has been the second hardest thing I have ever been through. The problem is, no matter how hard I try to change and heal from my anger, I can’t because he never changed. He apologized, but apologies mean nothing without change. I know I already said this, but watching my marriage unravel has been the hardest thing I’ve experienced since Isaac was born: Because I still love M.
I just can’t heal with such anger and hurt in my heart, and so I’m taking a break from the blog because I need to work on myself. Im determined I am going to get better. I don’t mean the physical damage will go away. I actually think it’ll get worse. What I mean is, I need my heart to be free from the chains that have been dragging me down for 17 years. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be free from my love for my husband.
M and I met Second semester of our first year of college. I had graduated early and was just barely 17. We became best friends and dated for three years before we were engaged.
This year would’ve been my 20th wedding anniversary. I’m kind of pissed about that, and by “kind of” I mean really pissed. See, I didn’t leave him, he left me for another woman and pushed me out of my own house. I tried everything. He unknowingly coerced me to do things that I would never really do except in efforts to save my marriage. I was afraid that if I didn’t do what he wanted, that he would divorce me.
Because I love him.
I couldn’t take my kids when I left because of school and they were so confused. There’s some things you just don’t tell your children, and the fact that their father sat there and told me he loved her instead of me is not one of them. I moved away, all the way up the East Coast to be with my sisters and parents.
When Isaac found out that I had a house up here, he stared at me in shock in silence for a long time, and then said, “You abandoned me.”
Just writing it makes me cry. I reminded him that I have never abandoned him, even in my darkest hours, and I don’t plan on doing it now. He will be an adult in August and be able to choose where he goes and what he does. I hope that he will join me back where we began.
I made it. As we’ve gotten this far together I am overwhelmed with shock!
I never thought I’d make it.
I was terrified our marriage wouldn’t make it, and unfortunately, I was right.
But I made it! Isaac and I made it, and he brought so much healing into my life by the age of five, that I did what I never thought I would ever do again. I had another child. What a story that is and continues to be. Someday I’ll talk about my little girl but this story has been about Isaac.
I made it… I didn’t end up on my bathroom floor with an empty bottle of pills next to me, I didn’t crank the wheel and plunge into the river. Instead I’ve lived moment to moment. Second by Second sometimes. And…
Isaac has made it to adulthood and is an amazing young man. His passion is to help people who are struggling with suicidal ideation.
Isn’t that incredible? The baby boy who saved me is saving others even now.
I’m so proud.
I’m so thankful.
And I’m so sad. My son will be with me on his 18th birthday in New Hampshire. He asked for this. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that, but his dad won’t be there. This process of divorce confirms what I cried over and over and over again in my psychosis all those years ago: “I’ve murdered my marriage.” “I’ve Murdered my marriage.”
But if Isaac is the reason… I wouldn’t change a thing.
It’s time for me to start forgiving myself. It’s time for me to thrive. It’s time for me to forgive M, and it’s time for me to finally move on. My job now is to focus on my daughter, and because of what I went through… I can! Even if my only purpose is to save my troubled daughter, it will make it all worth it. The most important thing is not that I thrive, though I believe that’s what God wants for me.
The most important thing is that my children thrive and I’m gonna do everything I can. ANYTHING I can. But I can’t do that unless I put my oxygen mask on first.
So, like spring, new life has begun… But my story is far from over.
We will adapt. 